10 Things They Never Told Me About Mommyhood

Motherhood is serious business indeed.  What could be more sobering than being responsible for the growth and development of another human being?  I can't think of much else.  But, as life would have it, it is also one of the most bizarre and hilarious experiences you could imagine.  Let's face it, what other situation would have you totally okay with or loving the smell of poop, the sound of cries, the feel of spit-up on your chest, the taste of food smashed up for a baby's palate or the sight of baby urine on your new pants?  The maternal instinct itself, while divinely ordered, is also a bit insane if you just stop to think about it.  Having a baby commits you to the greatest joy...and craziest ride of your life.

Here is my top ten list of things I've learned as the mother of an infant baby girl that no one ever told me or mentioned.  Warning, while familiar to most moms, reading these aloud may make you question your stability and decision-making.  But peeking at the smile on your child's face, hearing that laugh, feeling her incredibly smooth skin or smelling her amazing baby scent will confirm that yes, becoming a mother was the absolute best thing you could have done, ever!

Who knew...

1. I would take multitasking to a new level.  Never imagined that I could type, talk on the phone, eat, and change a diaper with another breathing being hanging off of my breast.  But, when you're nursing for up to 12 hours per day you gotta find a way to get things done...and several things simultaneously is often the only way!
2. I would become an expert in all things poop. Color, consistency, an indication of whether I'm producing enough hindmilk vs. foremilk, diapers leaks, diaper blowouts...and diaper explosions.  I could write a book on it.  Oh, and if you want some freebie coupons from Pampers because your baby keeps leaking poop up her back, I'll get you the number to customer relations.
3. I would be in public, like at a movie or global health conference, attentively listening while holding my seemingly peaceful, sleeping newborn when...boom, baby girl decides to let loose with the loudest, slowest passing of gas ever!  Of course, it would happen just as the plot thickens in the film and the audience is quiet with suspense or as the speaker is explaining the concluding points of his 5-year study on maternal health in India.  What's worse is the people up front who don't know you're holding a baby  look back with disgust thinking YOU need to take a trip to the restroom!
4. I would be in the kitchen cooking with one hand because baby FINALLY fell asleep.  But she went to sleep on my shoulder and I don't want to risk waking her, not even to put her in her sleeper or carrier.  So, now I know how to cut veggies, make a smoothie and whip up spaghetti sauce with just my right hand.  After all my schooling and education, who knew this would be the prized skill I would acquire?
5. I would be ruled by a little 12-pound taskmaster.  I mean, I'm literally running around trying to get a needed ingredient from the store, fold clothes, run downstairs to retrieve something I forgot and check my email, all within 15 minutes 'before the baby starts crying' and I have to put everything on hold to tend to her.  We definitely know who runs things in this house, and it ain't me or hubby!
6. As a sleep connoisseur, that I would be able to get rest by sleeping on my side, head on my arm all night because this baby can tell the second I try to take the boob out her mouth or change positions.  Can you say 12-pound taskmaster again?  And BTW, whoever came up with the phrase 'sleeps like a baby' clearly never saw one actually sleep.  Mine snores, grunts, cries, tosses and turns and explodes diapers in hers!  I'm just saying...
7. I would be more interested in how my baby's hair is styled and outfit is matching than my own.  I mean, I haven't become a slob, by any means.  It's just that before worrying about my own tresses and dresses, I'm making sure my girl's wispy locks are coiffed just right and she has the right onesie to go under that cute little jumper.  You never know when a picture opportunity might present itself...and when it does, I hope I'm put together enough to be in the picture too! 
8. I would become one of those annoying moms who researches everything from the correct way to defrost breast milk and adjust the straps on her car seat to troubleshooting a diaper genie problem and comparing vaccination schedules in different countries.  And, I'm practically on a first name basis with the customer service rep at Baby Trend because I've called with so many questions about the car seat and the jogger stroller.
9. My leisure reading would consist of baby and parenting magazines and my IPad would be covered in baby and mommy apps.  Just to name a few, there's Everything You Need to Know About Baby, Baby Center, Kegel Counter, Feeding Tracker, Baby, Baby Food Recipes, BabyFirst Mobile, Vocabulary Larry, Dr. Seuss Books, etc.  Did I mention I still use the Hypnobirthing MP3 track to relax?  Mommyland is no walk in the park, so I'll take stress relief however I can manage!
10. This Elizabeth Stone quote resonates with me like nothing else in the world, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  'Nuff said! 

Beating Back the Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression

I love the Internet and online communities.  As much as people have disparaged them and lament the downfall of face-to-face contact and relationships, I see opportunity all around when it comes to how social networks can help support new moms.  On one group there was a discussion about postpartum depression.  Women at all stages of motherhood chimed in with their experiences, words of advice and offers of practical support for sisters living in the same vicinity.  It was amazing.  It got me to reflect more deeply on my postpartum experience thus far and the factors that I think helped to stave off the baby blues.  Here are a few:

• As a first-time mom I heard and was warned a lot about PPD to the point that it was kind of scary to imagine.  However, my amazing doula ingrained in me that it wasn't inevitable and prepared me early on to ask for help when I needed it.
• I literally forced myself to eat regularly and drink LOTS of water.  I needed a little nudge from my daughter's pediatrician that first week.  She reminded me that nursing moms need as many calories as when they were pregnant.  Well, they didn't have to tell me twice to eat more!!  Plus, I kept a jug of water in every room where I spent a significant amount of time.
• I was advised by many mommy friends to sleep when baby sleeps in order to get as much rest as possible.  Being the sleep addict that I am, I tried to do this as much as possible.  It was hard, because the temptation is to get other stuff done while baby's asleep and you don't have to cater to her.  But I just needed to remind myself how unhinged I feel when I am sleep deprived.  I got into the rhythm of restful catnaps.  May not be easy for mothers with multiple children, but worth setting as a goal.
• I made a routine for myself during the early period so the day wouldn't feel like an endless, sleepless baby feeding and changing session!  The routine was quiet simple - shower, pray, groom, get dressed, eat...period!  I felt it was important to recapture some of the basic remnants of my pre-baby self and found that just the act of getting dressed and quickly putting on lip gloss, as opposed to keeping on my night gown, helped to energize me.  It has also help me transition back into work.  I'm now a pro at applying make-up with one hand while I hold Fati in the other.
• I tried to write and talk about my birth and new mommy experience as much as I could and to whomever would listen.  It helped to take the 'surrealness' and utter scariness out of the reality that I was now a mom to this precious little being.  It also helped me to recognize the emotions I was going through and when I needed help to cope.  BTW, I used Dragon dictation software on my IPad when I just needed to get a thought out, but was laid up in bed nursing Fati and couldn't type or write.  
• When I started to feel overwhelmed by feeding, changing and holding my baby 24-7 (which would likely stress any normal human being!) I tried to mentally re-frame the experience.  I reminded myself that all of this was evidence that we were developing a strong bond.  Besides, what better way to demonstrate your love to your baby than performing these basic care taking activities.
• Once I started to get the rhythm  of mothering, around week 6 or 7, I gradually expanded my routine to include the things that I love to do.  I tried to get in some exercise or an African dance class while my mom watched the baby.  And, I got back into cooking by trying a new dish every week...and I did most of the preparation while carrying Fati in the Moby Wrap - a trick I learned from my little sister who is a veteran and extraordinary mom.  I'm an active person, so it was important to maintain some semblance of personal vitality, even if it was just a couple of minutes per day when I could manage.
• Community, community, community.  Ask for help! What more can I say?  Ever read about figures of postpartum depression in communalistic societies?  Although it does exist, moms don't get as often as in the West because there is a usually a community around to help mom and ensure that she is not alone during those vulnerable early days.  I have been blessed with a community of family and friends that have been around and guarantee that I don't spend more than a few hours alone.  Not everyone is living so close to their social support system, but there's always a way to build new community.  Going to mommy and me groups, reaching out online and trying a new activity are all ways to develop connections and get the help we all need with a newborn.  Let's face it, being alone all day with a baby can drive you absolutely mad if you don't have people to talk to who can understand what you're going through!  

Bottom line, whether you're a first-time mom, a veteran or somewhere in the middle, the period right after giving birth is extremely challenging.  Be sure to take care of yourself, ask for help and be patient as you grapple with this whole new mommy or mommy again role.  When all else fails, cry it out and (as per my doctor) eat a nice bowl of your favorite ice cream!  The fat and protein are good for your milk if you're nursing.   Of course, always reach out to a doctor or other trusted person if you just can't shake the baby blues because  postpartum depression is serious business.  

Try this great stress relief for mommy and baby   Yoga Child.

Milking that Liquid Gold

Besides actually giving birth to my daughter, breastfeeding has been one of the best experiences that I’ve had as a mother.  It strengthens the bond between Fati and I and increases my confidence and sense of competence as a mother.  There is nothing quite like exchanging gazes with my little girl as I nurse her, knowing that I’m participating in one of the most ancient and best practices a mother can do to give her child a happy and healthy foundation.  I’m amazed when I lay with Fati at night nursing her. She seems totally in control of what she’s doing and so content.  I read an article about BFing personalities and my girl definitely seems like a gourmet type.  She loves to savor the feed, often moving around, making these cute noises and hand gestures, and stopping for a second to look up and stare at me before going back to enjoying her 'meal' and the comfort she gets from it.

Modern medical evidence is finally supporting what mothers around the world have always known - that breast milk is liquid gold for your baby.  The American Association of Pediatrics recommends exclusive breastfeeding for at least 1 year, with solid foods being introduced after 6 months and the World Health Organization reports that a lack of exclusive breastfeeding during the first six months of life contributes to over a million avoidable child deaths each year. See these 10 Breastfeeding Facts.

However, many moms forgo the process and opt for formula.  To each his own...and I'm certainly not one to judge any decision a mother makes.  But, from my conversations with some moms I've learned that many women see breastfeeding as difficult and burdensome or don't have enough information to do it in a way that works for them and their baby.  In fact, talking to my own mom I found out that she received a lot of resistance to BFing me.  Society and the medical community were pushing Similac for the modern mother and child!  Anyway, I'm no expert or lactation consultant, but I have been engaged in happy BFing for almost 4 months now.  Thought I'd share a few general tips that have helped me so far.

• Keep site like Kellymom and Infant Risk Center on deck.  They offer all types of information imaginable on BFing, from practical advice to research backed articles on pumping and working, keeping up your supply, troubleshooting feeding problems, medications, etc.
• Hook up with a support system of other committed BFing moms.  I have been attending a mommy and baby BFing group at the hospital where I gave birth.  It's been great to learn form other mom's concerns, get expert advice from the lactation consultants and know there's a comfortable place to nurse Fati in public with other moms.  I also subscribed to the list serve where moms share all sorts of BFing and parenting issues.
• Get your husband/partner and at least one other family member on board.  Studies show that the biggest single factor that determines how likely a mom is to stick with BFing is whether the child's father is supportive.  You can keep dad involved by pumping your milk and letting him feed baby regularly and having dad do lots of skin-to-skin contact with baby.
• Co-sleep if you can and if you agree with the practice.  It makes BFing much easier and strengthens your bond with little boo boo.  You can even use a co-sleeper bassinet that attaches to the bed if you don't want your baby in the bed with you.  Dr. Sears has lots of great scientific info on the benefits of co-sleeping.
• Invest in a good breast pump for times when you may need to express milk for someone else to feed baby, if you plan to go back to work or to help you keep your supply up when you are away from your baby for extended periods.  I have the Medela Pump in Style Advanced double pump, but there are hundreds of options out there.
• Keep your eye on the prize and have confidence that it will only get better.  Don't be afraid to talk to a knowledgeable friend or lactation consultant about nursing positions, latch problems, nipple pain, poop color and any other BFing problems.  BTW, most pediatricians, unless they've had lactation training or are experienced moms, don't know jack about BFing, so don't depend on them for all your advice! 
• Savor the special time you have with your sweetie, even if it does feel like you're a walking milk machine with a baby constantly hanging at your breast!  Sooner than later it will be time to wean and you'll get all nostalgic about the good 'ole nursing days.
• Oh, and keep a tube of lanolin gel/cream accessible at all times.  Relieves the sore nipples like magic. Lansinoh 
• And, you can always sell or give your extra milk away.  Really.  A friend of mine had a bacterial eye infection.  I gave her a bit of my antibody-rich milk to put on her eye and the next day it had cleared up almost completely.  Now how's that for some liquid gold?  Besides, they're even making a breast milk ice cream now.  Breast milk ice cream goes on sale in Covent Garden.  Seriously though, check out this article in which the author wonders How milk from African women could end poverty on the continent.  Hmm, I'm not so sure about that... 
• Finally, find your spiritual center as you move through this and other parenting challenges.  As a Muslimah, I am humbled by the fact that breastfeeding is supported in divine scripture.  The Holy Quran states ,‘The mothers shall suckle their children for two years completely for those who desire to complete the term of suckling, but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mothers food and clothing on a reasonable basis… if they both decide on weaning by mutual consent there is no sin on them. And if you decide on a foster mother to suckle your children there is no sin on you provided you pay what you agreed on a reasonable basis’ (Surah2:Ayat 233)

Neneh Fati Debuts: The New Identity of Mommyhood

I am a new woman, with a new identity and re-vamped frame of reference.  No longer singular, my existence is intimately connected to another human being whom I have been blessed to nurture, protect and love...my beautiful little daughter.  That's right, I am now Neneh Fati - the mother of Fati.  Neneh is the word for mother in Pulaar, my husband's language, and Fati is what we call our little bundle of joy.  I chose that description for this blog because it personifies what all mothers know, are thankful for and struggle with - we are not just individuals anymore, but blessed to be the umms (Arabic term) or mothers of the most precious gift that Allah can bestow. Me, I'm just enjoying the journey and in love with all things mommy and Fati!