10 Things They Never Told Me About Mommyhood

Motherhood is serious business indeed.  What could be more sobering than being responsible for the growth and development of another human being?  I can't think of much else.  But, as life would have it, it is also one of the most bizarre and hilarious experiences you could imagine.  Let's face it, what other situation would have you totally okay with or loving the smell of poop, the sound of cries, the feel of spit-up on your chest, the taste of food smashed up for a baby's palate or the sight of baby urine on your new pants?  The maternal instinct itself, while divinely ordered, is also a bit insane if you just stop to think about it.  Having a baby commits you to the greatest joy...and craziest ride of your life.

Here is my top ten list of things I've learned as the mother of an infant baby girl that no one ever told me or mentioned.  Warning, while familiar to most moms, reading these aloud may make you question your stability and decision-making.  But peeking at the smile on your child's face, hearing that laugh, feeling her incredibly smooth skin or smelling her amazing baby scent will confirm that yes, becoming a mother was the absolute best thing you could have done, ever!

Who knew...

1. I would take multitasking to a new level.  Never imagined that I could type, talk on the phone, eat, and change a diaper with another breathing being hanging off of my breast.  But, when you're nursing for up to 12 hours per day you gotta find a way to get things done...and several things simultaneously is often the only way!
2. I would become an expert in all things poop. Color, consistency, an indication of whether I'm producing enough hindmilk vs. foremilk, diapers leaks, diaper blowouts...and diaper explosions.  I could write a book on it.  Oh, and if you want some freebie coupons from Pampers because your baby keeps leaking poop up her back, I'll get you the number to customer relations.
3. I would be in public, like at a movie or global health conference, attentively listening while holding my seemingly peaceful, sleeping newborn when...boom, baby girl decides to let loose with the loudest, slowest passing of gas ever!  Of course, it would happen just as the plot thickens in the film and the audience is quiet with suspense or as the speaker is explaining the concluding points of his 5-year study on maternal health in India.  What's worse is the people up front who don't know you're holding a baby  look back with disgust thinking YOU need to take a trip to the restroom!
4. I would be in the kitchen cooking with one hand because baby FINALLY fell asleep.  But she went to sleep on my shoulder and I don't want to risk waking her, not even to put her in her sleeper or carrier.  So, now I know how to cut veggies, make a smoothie and whip up spaghetti sauce with just my right hand.  After all my schooling and education, who knew this would be the prized skill I would acquire?
5. I would be ruled by a little 12-pound taskmaster.  I mean, I'm literally running around trying to get a needed ingredient from the store, fold clothes, run downstairs to retrieve something I forgot and check my email, all within 15 minutes 'before the baby starts crying' and I have to put everything on hold to tend to her.  We definitely know who runs things in this house, and it ain't me or hubby!
6. As a sleep connoisseur, that I would be able to get rest by sleeping on my side, head on my arm all night because this baby can tell the second I try to take the boob out her mouth or change positions.  Can you say 12-pound taskmaster again?  And BTW, whoever came up with the phrase 'sleeps like a baby' clearly never saw one actually sleep.  Mine snores, grunts, cries, tosses and turns and explodes diapers in hers!  I'm just saying...
7. I would be more interested in how my baby's hair is styled and outfit is matching than my own.  I mean, I haven't become a slob, by any means.  It's just that before worrying about my own tresses and dresses, I'm making sure my girl's wispy locks are coiffed just right and she has the right onesie to go under that cute little jumper.  You never know when a picture opportunity might present itself...and when it does, I hope I'm put together enough to be in the picture too! 
8. I would become one of those annoying moms who researches everything from the correct way to defrost breast milk and adjust the straps on her car seat to troubleshooting a diaper genie problem and comparing vaccination schedules in different countries.  And, I'm practically on a first name basis with the customer service rep at Baby Trend because I've called with so many questions about the car seat and the jogger stroller.
9. My leisure reading would consist of baby and parenting magazines and my IPad would be covered in baby and mommy apps.  Just to name a few, there's Everything You Need to Know About Baby, Baby Center, Kegel Counter, Feeding Tracker, Baby, Baby Food Recipes, BabyFirst Mobile, Vocabulary Larry, Dr. Seuss Books, etc.  Did I mention I still use the Hypnobirthing MP3 track to relax?  Mommyland is no walk in the park, so I'll take stress relief however I can manage!
10. This Elizabeth Stone quote resonates with me like nothing else in the world, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  'Nuff said!