Parenting a Child With Special Needs

This article was originally published in SISTERS Magazine SISTERS Magazine Mum S.O.S.

Parenting is certainly a stressful job!  There is worry about all aspects of your child's well-being, how good a job you're doing as a parent...and also judgment from others, especially family members and close friends.  The latter can be especially nerve-racking since those doing the judging may not have an accurate window into your or your child's situation.

Add to these issues, having a child with special needs, such as speech/language, intellectual or physical delays, and the anxiety usually increases tenfold.  When it’s discovered that their little bundle of joy has a delay or special need, parents can experience a range of  emotions including confusion, disappointment, anger, sadness, denial, fear (especially about the unknown future), guilt (what did I do to cause this?), and rejection.  Parents may sense that they or their child are being rejected by family members, other parents and children, or community members.  Although it’s seldom talked about, sometimes parents feel that they want to reject their child -or at least the part of their child that’s not ‘perfect’.   Eventually, many parents develop a deep commitment to improving their child’s condition and even see the child’s disability as a unique blessing in disguise.

A part of how family or others are responding to you, Concerned Mom, is based on their own fears and lack of information.  Sometimes, in the face of family’s discomfort about not knowing how treat a child with special needs they can become negative, judgmental or mocking.  As parents, you have to decide how you want to respond to such behavior.  One approach is to provide them with information about your child’s particular delay, let them know the support you and your child need from them, and point out how their comments and lack of understanding affect you.   For many, this positive appeal will work and you may find family and friends seem a great deal more sensitive.  Of course, there will be relatives who still do not seem to have the words empathy or understanding in their vocabulary.  In these instances, you will have to set boundaries.  This could include anything from limiting your time with the offending relatives, making it clear that you don’t want to discuss your child’s delay, to supervising all time between that family member and your child.

As for parenting your child, arming yourself with information and support are the first steps.  Has your child had a professional evaluation and plan for addressing the problem?  Have you sought support from other parents or organizations that can help?  Secondly, as a general rule your child and you will benefit from a consistent, structured daily routine.  All children, but particularly those with special needs, need to know what to expect daily and from their caregivers.  Tantrums can be a child’s way of trying to convey certain wants and needs.  It’s essential that you establish healthy ways for your child to communicate, with the assistance of a professional if necessary, as well as provide outlets for your child to express the wide array of feelings he/she is experiencing.  These can include expressive outlets such as drawing, imaginative play, movement, music, etc.  Hopefully, you can receive guidance from the specialists working on your case…but also don’t be afraid to seek advice from other experienced parents.

Here are a few tips for parenting your wonderful child with special needs:

• Recognize that you’re not alone and make time to take care of yourself
• Arm yourself with reliable information about your child’s diagnosis and treatment options
• Find programs specific to your child’s needs
• Get support from groups and other parents (there are numerous national and local organizations that provide information and sponsor groups or online networks)
• Appreciate the importance of communicating with your spouse and/or other family member who understands the situation
• Keep up connection with your other children
• Set boundaries with family members who are negative or judgmental

Most importantly, your faith can serve as a valuable source of motivation and inspiration.  Prayer, reading Qu’ran, and attending community events are all ways of fostering hope, decreasing isolation and coping with the challenges of parenting a child with special needs.